Constant state of

Hello all!

I've had a hard time with blogging, I truly want to keep doing it...it's just hard to find the good. Believe me, I know there is good in my life. I have some truly wonderful people in my life, I have a great job, I have a healthy and happy little boy, I am, for the most part, healthy, I have a place to live...I can see the good...sometimes.

I live in a constant state of worry financially. I've borrowed more money than I'd like to admit from family and friends. I've worked at the park district making barely anything. I work recess duty during my lunch. I ride the bus as a supervisor. I've tutored. I've been trained and have worked as an ABA therapist. And, yet I've found myself having to scrounge up coins to buy milk. I literally pay just enough of my bills so things don't get turned off. I've sacrificed prescriptions and doctor visits that I need because I can't afford it. I would do anything for my little mister. Yet, I feel like a failure at life.

Cooper's father pays the abysmal support that the court ordered either late or misses payments constantly since he changed jobs and it no longer gets garnished from his wages. He all together stopped paying the arrearage and the medical (insurance) support back in July.

I think he believes that I don't need the money or that the money doesn't actually go to Cooper. It does. Daycare costs $135 per week. Food and housing and utilities all cost money. I get almost all of Cooper's clothing from other people.

He treats child support as an outstanding debt. I am forced to borrow money to pay an attorney to force him to be responsible. Everyone keeps saying go through the state child support enforcement. It is an.absolute.joke. They've been working on it since July. All the while everyone in my village is helping to support his son. He doesn't think twice arriving at my door with yet another excuse or simply "you'll get the money when I give it to you". I am not a debt. Cooper is not a debt. He is made of your flesh and blood and deserves to be treated as such. While you are out with your significant other spending money that is your sons, I live in fear that something will be shut off or that I won't have money for milk. This is no joke. This is no exaggeration. I am barely able to breathe. Do you think this impacts your son?

Cooper wants a birthday party. I haven't been able to give him one since he turned one. It's embarrassing. I can't even begin to think about Christmas. At what point will I be able to financially support my son without needing help?

There is good. I have great people. I have a great kid. I love my job. I love my class. I have to keep repeating to myself that I am not a failure. I am a good mom. I feel like a charity case. I'm beyond tired of asking and having to get help. I am so tired of living in a constant state of ick.

I am not a failure. I am a good mom.I am not a failure. I am a good mom.